Surviving the man flu 2017

Man flu or “manicus-influenzi” is specific to the male of the human species; striking quickly and without remorse leaving the male incapacitated and vulnerable for a period of five to ten days. If you are or have a human male living in your house below is the latest information on how to keep Man flu free this winter.


1. Prevention

There are few simple steps you can take to avoid Man flu this winter. They are listed below in order of importance.

          a) Visit the Man flu vaccination clinic and seek vaccination. 

          b) Avoid physical contact with contaminated people. (remember females too can host the Man flu with minimal symptoms) 

          c) When in crowded area wear a disposable face mask. As they are now becoming a fashion accessory you will be totally awesome and not lame at your next outing.

Recently sited: Beyoncé supporting Jay Z wearing the latest in anti Man flu wear.

      d) It is a good idea not to allow your man to kiss strange women, (or men for that matter) this is the man flue’s favored mode of transportation.


2. Be prepared

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, Man flu will strike so it is important to have your house prepped and ready. Keep in mind the locations of the following items in case Man flu visits this winter.

     a) Location/locations of lemon trees in your neighborhood. Lemon and honey drinks will aid in the killing of Man flu.

    b) Keeping a small Man flu kit in the house is important. Here is what you should have in it.

                   i. Quarantine sign                                                                         1x

                   ii. Man tissues                                                                               1x (box)

                   iii. Face mask                                                                                 1x 10 pack

                   iv. Bible/Quran/FHM magazine (depending on religion            1x

                   v. Cough mixture                                                                           1x

c) Once Man flu has been confirmed all available funds should be diverted to medications until the all clear has been given from medical brofessional.


 3. Phases of Man flu

Below are the four phases of Man flu.


          Phase 1. Denial, at this point the man will attempt to conceal his sickness with phrases such as “nah bro I’m all good” or “nah G, I never get sick. I’m invincible” This is simply a sign of what is to come.


          Phase 2. Acceptance, generally the following morning phase 2 is in full swing. It is at this point movements outside of the house should be prohibited until the completion of phase 4.


          Phase 3. Total Incapacitation, this the phase where the Man flu gets its name. The patient is now pity stricken and moaning with appearance of a zombie. Keep at a distance of 20 meters at this point as infectious projectile sneezing can infect unsuspecting people passing by.

          Phase 4. Death or recovery, only time will tell if the man will survive. He will continue to feel sorry for himself, and tell anyone who will listen how bad he feels, this is part of the healing process.


4. Caring for an infected patient

All attempts should be made to keep patient warm, dry, hydrated, fed and medicated. Failure to do so will likely result in death or permanent disability of your patient. Good luck and Gods speed.  

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